Dear Wisegal,
My boyfriend and I had been talking seriously for a while about moving in together when he suddenly told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel devastated, betrayed, confused. I did not see it coming. My friends are sympathetic, but I am embarrassed. He told me he needed time and space to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and that he wants to see “what else is out there.” I feel so rejected, I don’t know if I can get over this. Please help me...
Broken-hearted Girl

Dear BG,
It is true – breaking up is hard to do, especially if you are the one who is left. Love gone wrong can be like dropping a beautiful piece of china onto a hard floor – it shatters into a thousand pieces, and because it is a precious item, you want to pick up all the pieces and find a way to put them all back together. But you can’t, because it is broken, and there are too many pieces. Just like your heart.

The good news is that the broken china metaphor need only represent the initial stage of the break-up, those first days after the telling. In time, your heart will heal, and it will be stronger than ever. But right now, you feel like it is in a thousand pieces, and you can’t imagine ever feeling whole again. In fact, when in this stage, you don’t want to be told that your heart will mend.

No one knows how much it hurts, you tell yourself. There is some comfort in grief, paradoxically, as the grief holds us in a state of suspension, a temporary reprieve from having to make sense of the pain in a time when we don’t have the psychic energy to do so. So we may stay in the grief, or anger, until we somehow are able to pull ourselves out of its anaesthetizing lull.

Experiences of grief and loss after a break-up may be almost as intense as losing a loved one through death. In the latter, there is a concrete reason for the feelings, whereas in the former, there are sometimes no clear reasons why the break-up happened, and why it happened to us. And one is final, whereas the other lends itself to the possibility of hope, and thus possibility more pain. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a therapist who has done extensive work with the bereaved, postulate five stages of grief:
1. Denial: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
3. Bargaining: "What can I do/change to prevent this?"
4. Depression: "I'm so hurt, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
Whatever stage you may be in, you are surely grieving, BG. In the earliest days post-breakup, you will be hurting the most. I cannot tell you how long you will be experiencing these strong emotions, or when you will be able to reach closure, i.e. come to terms with what happened. I can tell you that it is normal to experience the grief, but it is critical that you challenge any thinking that tells you that you are unlovable and unworthy of love, that the break-up is your fault.

You see, while it is true that both individuals in a relationship may contribute to its demise in different ways, the relationship itself has a life and energy of its own, and it requires the participants to stand up to the tasks it asks of them (refer to my article on January 4, 2008 – If Love Is A Verb, Then What Are The Actions?). The analogy of the dance comes to mind – for perfect execution of a dance, the partners have to be mature and equally skilled.

Why do I say “mature”? Because while you can learn the technical aspects of the dance perfectly, you need some life experience and emotional maturity to be able to dance beautifully and sensuously. Such is the case with two people in relationship. It’s easy to fall in love, but to move on into a sustainable partnership that will deepen over time and endure hardships, well that is something else altogether.

Your boyfriend’s decision to leave you has more to do with the fact that he is uncertain about his own life, and his own ability to participate in a committed relationship with anyone. Wanting to “see what else is out there” suggests to me that he still wants to play the field. Many women interpret this as their own inability to “keep their man,” which, translated over and over again by an injured ego becomes their “unworthiness” and “unlovability.” This is simply not true. Everyone is worthy of love and lovable.

You say that you did not see it coming; yet, when it comes to love relationships, most of us start off seeing what we want to see. That is, when we fall in love, we project onto the other all our hopes and dreams, our desires about perfect love. There is a blind spot in each of us that does not want to acknowledge imperfections, and we may love the other “too much”, or we may love the feeling of being in love too much to accept the idea that there may be imperfect parts to this other who makes us feel special and wonderful.

I wonder if there is a part of you that has always seen the signs, the small clues that trigger doubt and concern about his lack of commitment or inability to commit? You may have ignored them, or thought that if you loved him enough he would change. In fact, he could have, but he didn’t. Acknowledging them may help you accept the fact that it wasn’t something about you that caused him to leave, it was in fact something about him.

Falling in love is a wonderful experience, but it is not the stuff that holds people together in deep, long-lasting bonds of connection. Some people simply do not have the staying power and maturity to grow into relationship with another and to learn deep love over time.

Clearly, you may, in time, look at how you participated in this relationship, and explore some issues that are yours to own. The point in doing this is so that you can grow from the lessons of this relationship and be better prepared for the next one. For example, you may explore your own expectations, boundaries, needs and projections in relationship.

You may feel rejected now, but it is important that you are not calling yourself “a reject.” One is a feeling that indicates that you are deeply affected by this event, whilst the other is a judgment that you are inferior in some way. The feeling will eventually dissipate, whereas the judgment will hurt you and hold you back from taking future risks with another person.

Furthermore, you are hurt and angry, and may want to lash out at yourself, or at him, in some way. In my perspective, both actions are a waste of time and psychic energy. Be gentle and kind to yourself, and channel your emotions into something positive and creative.

Stop thinking about him and his motives or intentions – he has chosen to be your history, and as such should be left in the past. Even though the pain is still immediate, his role in your life has changed by his own choice. He does not have any power over you, unless you allow him to do so.

Whether you like it or not, this man has chosen to leave the relationship. He can’t do the job. That’s all it means. If your life were a business venture and you desire to invite someone to be your partner, would you invite someone to do so who would love to do it, has the passion, skills and tenacity to grow in it with you, and the courage to ride the rough times together? Or would you accept someone who is going to do a half-assed job, be always looking elsewhere for a better deal, and shrivels or collapses when the going gets tough?

Yes, you can get over it, girl! In time, you will see that this relationship, like every other one you’ve had and will have, has something to teach you about who you are and how you love. You haven’t wasted your time, you’ve been apprenticing in the Art of Love, and you are readying yourself for the one who is your match, your mate, your dance partner in the Dance of Love and Life.

So I would encourage you to surround yourself with love from other sources while you are going through this grieving – family, true friends, flowers, babies, and beauty from wherever you may find it. Thank your ex (in your heart) for teaching you the lessons of love, and for being your dance partner for a time, then gracefully let him go. He is making room for the right one who will come along in time.

Cry, if you need to do so, but also reach out to others who love you. Then, focus your energy on healing and loving yourself, and not on blaming or trashing him. You will need to be your best self in order to attract the best partner for you who will surely come along when you are both ready for each other. In the meantime, you can have fun: dye your hair purple, buy a sexy red dress, wear patent leather stilettos.