Dear Wisegal,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over two years. We are both artists and survive with day jobs that we hate. I am more focused and goal-oriented than he is. He isn’t sure what he’s doing with his life, and though he is generally affectionate with me, he’s been emotionally distant lately. I cannot get him to talk about how he feels. We broke up earlier this year, but now are back together again. Am I wasting my time with him? How do I get him to open up to me?
Insecure Girl

Dear IG,
Learning how to love someone and receive love is never a waste of time. With the exception of abusive and exploitative situations (and even there, there is a lesson about self-love), you can be sure that each one that you work through has something to teach you about who you are, what you can give and what you need to receive from being in relationship.

A romantic relationship is a multidimensional entity, with connections that are forged on many different levels. We connect with another along physical/sexual, mental/emotional, social/familial, financial and spiritual planes. Thus, it is like an intricate tapestry that is woven together by two people; sometimes it is vital, robust, and strong, and other times it is lackluster, feeble, and weak. In the one case, it can withstand the vicissitudes of relationship; in the other, even mild or moderate hardships can pull it apart.

You sound like you are more grounded than he is; you are likely supporting yourself and enabling yourself to do your art by working at your day job (though it is not what you would love to do), and you probably have a vision of the kind of life that you want. Your boyfriend may be confused about the direction he wants his life to take and/or unhappy with what he has right now. In either case, it may be hard for him to fully relate to you or meet your emotional needs when he is distracted by the pull of his own unmet ones.

On the other hand, there could be lots of other reasons why he is unable to tell you how he feels. For instance, he could be embarrassed about his situation. He could be having doubts about the relationship, or perhaps he is not ready to make a long-term commitment at this stage in his life. Perhaps he is emotionally less mature than you are, and unable to participate in the level of intimacy and vulnerability that you want or need.

Wherever he is or whatever he may be going through now, he should be able to tell you (a) how he feels about you, (b) whether or not he wants to be with you, and (c) whether or not he is willing to learn to share his feelings and thoughts with you. In other words – does he love you, does he want to be with you, and will he communicate with you?

There are certainly other things you two will sort out in the course of your relationship, but in the moment his answers to these basic questions will determine if you two are on the same page. If not, then sadly you’re better off on your own, because it is near impossible to get close to someone who claims he loves you and wants to be with you but cannot share his inner world with you. Intimacy is the glue that holds people together, especially emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy.

A relationship fares best when both individuals participating in it are happy, mature, fulfilled people who are grounded in the knowledge that they are responsible for their own well being and for creating the kind of life they desire. Their partner, then, is merely a support for them, and not the source of their happiness.

Often, it is the woman who seeks growth and change, and it is she who has the first inklings that something is wrong. A woman seeks to relate, to draw closer through verbal communication and emotional intimacy. Whereas, a man may be unhappy in relationship, but often that unhappiness is rooted in external parameters such as career satisfaction or material possessions.

It is never a waste of time learning to love well. Loving well has to do with developing the capacity to care about someone else, to cherish their being and to support their growth and development, while simultaneously caring about and cherishing our own self and committing to our own growth and development. It’s like learning how to dance, then inviting a dance partner to practice with you. When you get to a difficult step, do you opt out or keep practicing harder?

So I might suggest that you clarify your life goals and make a plan for attaining what you desire, including what you want in a relationship. Share those goals with him, and invite (rather than demand) him to share his with you. Define the values that are important, and identify what the deal-breakers are. In other words, talk about what the must-haves (e.g. honesty, willingness to communicate, etc.) and the cannot-dos (e.g. infidelity, disrespect, etc.). This relationship may not be a total write-off, but until he figures out what he wants and what he’s prepared to do to support that, you can’t tango by yourself. You can’t “get him” to do anything he won’t or can’t do, but you can decide for yourself if his withdrawal is a deal-breaker.

I don’t believe in the till-death-do-us-part type of commitment. I do think that it is more honest to make a commitment to be the best person, and therefore lover or partner that you can be, to regularly affirm your desire to be together and to celebrate your choice to do so. Time changes many things, and there is no way to promise to be one way or another in a future that we cannot predict or control. It makes a lot more sense to love with present-moment awareness, stretching and weaving that mindful loving into the tapestry of an enduring love, while appreciating how impermanent everything is.