Dear Wisegal: I’ve been to therapy many times, but each time I got closer to the deep issues, I stopped going. Then I beat myself up and revert to old, self-defeating behaviors. What is wrong with me, and how do I get unstuck?
Signed, Feeling Defeated

Dear FD,
Each of us lives out a storyline, a certain narrative in which we are the central characters, or at least we somehow show up in every scene. Some of us feel like we are the authors of our own story, that more or less our narratives find direction via conscious choice. Others, who feel less empowered, regard fate and the influence of others as primary forces driving our hapless lives.

You must explore this narrative, the story you are telling yourself – clarify who is narrating (is it you, or someone else?), and what is the motivation behind this particular disempowered storyline? Why do you believe it? Are you punishing yourself by your bad choices because you believe you are unworthy? Does some external vector have control over you, and if so why?

Ours is a culture that seeks relief, release, and escape. We favor the illuminated side of life over the dark one, the sunlit meadow over the shadowy bog. Self-defeating behaviors like eating disorders and the addictions (chemicals, sex, gambling) help people to avoid their own darkness or shadow, which is an umbrella term used to include all the stuff that they don’t want to face and deal with in their lives. What is it you can’t face about yourself? What are you holding on to for comfort while you avoid facing the truth of your life?

Your depression and lethargy are evidence that your psyche, call it soul if you like, is unhappy with your choices (or lack thereof). Something speaks out from within you crying for help, urging you to attend to its voice. What is without is a reflection of what is within. If you face the pain you feel within and heal it, the externals will begin their process of healing as well.

I wonder if there is a part of you that finds solace in the pain or depression. It is a good place to hide for some folks as it provides the world with a visible reason why they can’t be happy. Some say that happiness is within us, as if to imply that it just happens. I prefer to think that happiness comes from taking responsibility for ourselves, doing what it takes to be the best person we can be (thus tending to the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual & creative aspects of our lives), and then contributing to humanity in some way through our actions. When we do these things, we open ourselves up, and the natural joy inside of us is released.

We know that it is impossible to avoid the drearier side of life – the pain, loss, betrayal, hurt, greed, and a myriad of other dismal states that humankind has heaped upon itself through its own grandiosity and its shortsighted choices. Those who try to do so end up holding on to devices or behavior patterns that are metaphorically “false gods” – addictions, dysfunctional relationships, money, antisocial or criminal acts, etc. These False Gods promise happiness, but deliver only transient pain relievers, always illusionary & temporary, never real or lasting.

What are you holding on to? It obviously isn’t working and is keeping you stuck. Are you afraid of what might happen if you let go of that? Are you telling yourself that you cannot manage the anxiety of being on your own, without the crutch of whatever it is that you feel is shielding or protecting you from pain now? Imagine what would happen if you told yourself that you can manage the anxiety, that you are in fact bigger than whatever it is you fear.

Whatever it is that is terrorizing you and keeping you in this inertia, which is a kind of emotional paralysis, may have to do with some sort of trauma you experienced in the past. It is impossible to move forward emotionally and spiritually unless one can discern between the past and the present, and learn to say “I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to be.”

Finally, you asked what was wrong with you. I’d rather you explore and expand on what is right with you, and work from there. Ask people who love and respect you what qualities or aspects in you they admire or appreciate. Remember the times when you’ve shown kindness, compassion, love, or generosity to someone else. Think about the last time you felt passion, hope, desire, awe, gratitude, peace, and remember what you were doing or who you were with when you felt these feelings. Allow what is right within you to heal the damaged parts.

This is the life you get. It is short, it is real, and its finitude is what can bring choice home for you and liberate you from the shackles of the immobility and paralysis that are borne out of fear or shame or guilt, or whatever fear it is that blocks your forward movement and keeps you trapped in this wasteland of inaction. Find the beauty and the truth in you, and know that it is your task, your obligation to the world, to keep that alive. Connect with the deepest wisdom and love within you and hold on to them as you also reach out to the truth, beauty, and love in the world.

Life comes with ups and downs. As Joseph Campbell once said, “It’s not the agony of the quest, but the rapture of the revelation.” The quest is our search for meaning in life, and it is painful at times. The revelation, or what is revealed, is the experience of awe, hope, love, gratitude, and a connectedness to all things.

Don’t give up on yourself. Do something self-empowering today, however small it may be. Start from there.